PICTURE THIS.

It is a warm spring night and, after a very long work day (the kind where I didn't leave the office from the time I walked in until the time I left 10 hours later), I have just finished my work-out at the gym. I am walking home in my sweaty neon green shorts, my hair is pulled up on top of my head, my face is the color of a tomato, I bang a right on the corner to take the short cut back to my apartment and...

I walk right into this:

I walked directly into a wall of paparazzi fiercely snapping shots of I didn't even know what - I was the only one standing in front of them. There was, literally, nothing between me and the throngs of sweaty dudes with the cameras.

"GET THE F*CK OUT OF THE WAY!!!!!" they yelled in my face.

This bothered me for many reasons.

1. They were yelling.

2. They were yelling swears at me.

3. They were in MY way.

"YOU GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY WAY!! GET OVER YOURSELVES" I yelled back.

"GET THE F*CK OUT OF THE WAY LADY!!!"

"NO, YOU GET OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN GET OUT OF THE WAY YOU ASSMEANIES"

I proceeded to walk directly into all of them so I could continue on my way home, and then I decided that maybe I should turn around to see who the hell was behind me. So, I did, and this is who I saw:

Katie Holmes slowly plodding down the street holding Suri Cruise.

This was amusing only for one reason:

Two years ago I was Suri for Halloweeners.

I digress.

Besides being totes annoyed at the paps for taking up the sidewalk in my hood and yelling swears at me, I was appalled by the sight behind. I don't know how else to say it, but that woman was pimping out her kid. Katie was walking at the pace of a snail, shifting Suri so the cameras could see her face, tons of open taxis were driving by and she did not get into any of them, that poor kid kept trying to put her backpack over her face so she wouldn't be photographed, and all the guys were yelling at her.

It made me deeply, deeply uncomfortable.

I no longer have sympathy for famous people who talk about how they hate being photographed with their offspring. She was straight out giving them the shots at the expense of her child. It was gross.

As my sister and I both said during my immediate phone recap with her, if Sandra Bullock can hide a baby from the entire world in the midst of an Oscar campaign AND throughout the debacle of her husband being exposed as a Nazi loving womanizer, anyone can avoid their kid being papped.

Holmes: Get in a cab. Put your kid to bed.

Paparazzi: Stay out of my way.