EDWARD SHARPE AND THE TWO GIRLS WITH BIG HAIR AND BAGS.

Last night I was treated to the delicious sounds of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros at Bowery Ballroom. I had never been there and I had a total and complete blast. I must say that the band put on one helluva show and, even though their set was short, it was fantastic. They sounded wonderful and although they are kind of loose and all over the place, they did an excellent job of not allowing that to compromise their musicality. They were on it, the energy was high, and Jade even had on a bra.

It was stellar.

I was standing there next to Sanchez and all of the sudden the room went black, I was disoriented, and my face was covered with all of this scratchy darkness. Did the power go out? Was there an explosion? Was I having a near death experience?

NO.

I was being attacked. By the hair of the girl who shoved herself in front of me. Her hair was so freaking huge that she could have smuggled in a pug, a birthday cake, and a blow torch underneath it and no one would have noticed. I have never seen anything like it.

Once I emerged from the forest of no light and re-oriented myself, the girl turned around and gave ME the stink eye.

???!??!??!?!??

I was not amused. Then, at one point, after I made a comment to Sanchez, Big Hair turned around and the following exchange occurred:

BH:"Is there a problem with my hair?"

Me: "Well, it is kind of repeatedly hitting me in the face."

BH: "Well, you could just step back."

Me: "I kind of already did that..."

BH: "Then you know what to do."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense..."

Hilarity. The lights really went out (like the real lights, not the figurative lights of life that were taken from me when I was buried alive) and her wastey waif friend scuttled off to buy another drink at the bar.

Oh joy.

The concert started rockin, and so did Big Hair.

Later on, her sloppy friend came back with her GIANT bag and she proceeded to drape her GIANT coat over the side of her GIANT bag creating a GIANT pile of insanity. She also began to dance around like a moron and was whipping herself all over the crowded floor like a drunken grasshopper. At one point, her bag nailed the guy behind her in the junk and he was not amused. When he said, "Ouch!" she turned around and asked, "What's YOUR problem?"

The guy was more polite than I would have been. He just gave her a look of total disapproval. I would have been like, "HEY! You just nailed me in my BABYMAKER."

Finally, Drunken Grasshopper and Big Hair were dancing so violently that we were all almost knocked over and everyone hated them. DGH was trying to grab me to move me in front of her to which I responded, "Do not touch me" and BH came over and was like, "Let's all chill out and have a great time."

She proceeded to dance like a beast, whipping everyone within a 10 mile radius with her hair. I think my retina is permanently scratched. I may need surgery.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you are going to be in a public place and you have really big hair, or a really big bag, please keep it under control. You are a potential danger to those around you. They say "Safety First" for a reason, so please pay attention, put your hair in a bun, and leave your big a** bag at home.