Sunday, May 31, 2009


This weekend was slammin, but now I am exhausted.

Coming off of a long week of auditions, work, seeing a friend's show, gettin' my fitness on, and running around, the weekend really started with a bang.

And by bang, I mean karaoke in a private room with 13 of the most stellar kidz around.

Now, let's get one thing straight. I have never liked Karaoke. I love watching people do it, I think it is fun, but I don't like to get up and sing. People are always totally confused by this. "But, you're an actor and you're in a band!!" they exclaim. I know. It is weird, but it is true. However, this new place has completely changed my view.

We went to iBop where it is BYOB and we had the room for 3 hours. And those 3 hours were filled with complete and total hilarity. Performances ranged from the theme song to "Growing Pains" all the way to "Suspicious Minds." I laughed so hard and there was lots of interpretive dancing. Lindsayheyhey definitely wins the prize for the best Karaoker.

Hands down. She is FIERCE. I mean, look at her in motion! Seriously.

Saturday I just tooled around, ran errands, had brunch with a friend, and had a mellow night with a few drinks with some homies.

Today was spent brunching at Tavern on the Green with Larkita's parents who were in town, and then Wrenndolyn and myself walked all the way up the entire length of the park. It was GORGEOUS. I had never seen some of those parts of Central Park. When you get up near the top, it is like being in the freaking wilderness. Maybe that is why part of it is called, "The North Woods." They did a good job with that title.

Loved it.

I came home, just took a bath, and am now going to go to bed at 9:30pm. I'm pooped. My body is wiped out and needs some serious sleepage.

Hope y'all had a great weekend.

Friday, May 29, 2009


I gotta tell ya, I am not into this weather at all. It has been a mixture of rainy, cold, humid, and poopy for the past week and it really does not do much for me.

I have a meeting today at 11:00am and I do not want to change out of my jammies to go.


I have to write a webisode for this thingy and I don't know where to start. I have never really considered myself a "writer," even though I have this blog, but I think of this as more of a spewing of whatever pops into my crackheaded mind. But I guess that is what writing is on a fundamental level?

Hmmmm. Must put that on the List O' Things To Ponder.

I guess today is the perfect kind of day for writing, so after my meeting I will get really writerly, to go to a coffee shop, and try to bang something out.

If only I wore glasses. I would look way more writerish and smartish and seriousish.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


So my computer is kind of fritzing out or something. My iTunes decided to stop opening and everything is taking FOR-E-VER.

Whenever I say, "forever" all drawn out like that, it reminds me of 2 things:

1. One of the greatest movies of all time

You're killing me, smalls.

2. One of the greatest weddings of all time

If only I could be so lucky to have a dress like that, have my husband + gospel choir sing me a song like that, and have a spontaneous photo montage of my life and relationship somehow appear at my wedding. If only.

One more point: is it surprising to anyone else that Becky isn't totally shocked by the gospel choir when they enter? She's just like, "Oh, another gospel choir. Those things follow me around 24-7."

I digress.

My computer ain't so hot right now. I do not want to buy a new one (AKA I do not have the money to buy a new one) and part of the problemo is that I haven't updated my software/operating system since I bought it...Whoopseedoodledee.

Does anyone out there know someone here in the hattan of mans who wants to help me? Anyone? Suggestions?

My little iBook G4 would appreciate it.

OMG the smell of french fries is coming in my window. I have to go to another room before I climb out there to eat them all.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Today I had a few hours to kill before an audition this morning in midtown. While I was walking to the Equity building, I stumbled upon the new lounge area that has been set up in the middle of Times Square.

I absolutely LOVE this! It is so great. Normally I HATE Times Square. HATE HATE HATE. I avoid it like the plague because it is filled with millions of people who walk like drunk snails and it makes me crazy. But this new thing they have going on is stellar!

Not only did I have a very comfortable seat, but I had a total blast watching Good Morning America film the Road Version of Wipeout. If you don't know what Wipeout is, please revisit my post from last summer.

Next time I am showing up in Times Square with a bikini, a thermos of sangria, and a bottle of tanning oil.


Monday, May 25, 2009


Happy Memorial Day, folks! I am off to Grand Central to take the train with my family to visit some dear friends.

Go make some memories this Memorial Day.

All aboard!

Sunday, May 24, 2009


I need to address something that is starting to really concern me.

Let me start by saying this: I love to exercise. I am one of those weird people who finds it extraordinarily enjoyable, I have to work out at least 5 days a week or I start to feel, and go, bananas. I also fully support and give mad props to anyone who takes the time to go to the gym, or go for a run, or walk because you can't slam someone who is taking steps towards living a healthy life.


You can express concern, confusion, befuddlement, uncomfortableness, and flabbergastidiousness when you see someone working out in


Three times this past week I saw folks working out at my gym, doing various activities ranging from lifting weights to running (yes, running), wearing jeans. I have absolutely no idea what would possess a person to say to themselves, "Yo, Self! Let's put on some denim and do some sprints!" To me that is like thinking it is a good idea to take some sand paper and fiercely rub it all over your epidermis. Or, like wanting to stick your nose into a teenage boy's armpit before he's discovered deoderant. Or, like wanting to give yourself a really bad wedgie/camel toe and do some fan kicks. The idea of working out in jeans just sounds so outrageously uncomfortable and utterly absurd to me.


The only reason why I could potentially understand it is if you are in the middle of your work day, you left your gym clothes at home by accident, and you will have no other time to get a work out in if you don't go right at that exact moment. But, riddle me this: if you are at the gym and it is the middle of your work day and you have no other choice but to go in with your jeans on, why would you have your sneakers with you? Is it because you can wear sneakers to work? And, why did I see a husband and wife couple lifting weights and jogging on the treadmills wearing jeans?


Please, please, please put on some other kind of clothing for your lower body. I honestly would rather see someone wearing spandex without a jock-strap than watch someone work out in jeans. All I can think of is how freakishly uncomfortable they must be, how sweaty and stanky and yucky it must be in their pants, and how they are definitely getting chaffed

This needs to stop.

You can change the world by changing your pants. So, for the love of Nike, just do it.

Friday, May 22, 2009


Check out the killer vintage fan I bought last night!!

I have had my eye out for one of these suckers for a long time. I was walking home around 10:30pm after a fabulous Italian dinner at I Coppi with my mom and sister and it was one of my favorite kind of New York nights - warm, no sweaters or jackets required, no humidity. People were out strolling in the East Village, stores were open late and it was looovely. I walked by one of my favorite vintage furniture shops on the way back to my apartment and this big guy was sitting on the table right out in front. I talked the woman down $15 and took that sucker home!

Love it!

Thursday, May 21, 2009


I have done a lot of weeping since last night. We saw Billy Elliott on Broadway last night and I CRIED MY FREAKING EYES OUT.


The kids in that show totally blew me away and I woke up today with puffy eyes from all of my weepage. And then the tears continued after seeing these little tykes today.

Love this video, too.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I'm back in the city, and I must say, it feels good.

My band had another show last night and it was extra special because my Mom was in the audience along with my sister who graduated yesterday with her masters.


This week is going to be a little light on the blog front as I have lots going on with the fizamily, but rest assured I will be back in full force next week. And I'm still working on answering those questions from back in the day.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this little montage of my favorite movie. If you haven't seen it, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you.

P.S. I really like the word, "montage."

Monday, May 18, 2009


I've been chilling in Westchester, the sister and Mom just headed back into the city, just got back from a run in the woods, I am in sweatpants and am about to eat some veggie enchiladas my mom made me last night.


I'm watching Ellen and I really like her new haircut.  I have no idea if it is new or not because I haven't seen her show in eons, but you get what I'm saying.

Tomorrow is my sister's graduation from grad school and then my band's gig in Brooklyn.  It will be quite a day!  Back to city life tomorrow morning, but for now, I will continue to relax in my country home.

Thursday, May 14, 2009



I looked at my calendar yesterday and my eyes almost fell out of my head. I basically have stuff written in through July and I have no idea how that happened. I am going to be out of town, out of town again, going back to CA, going back to camp, going to see two coolios get hitched, and then finally coming back to NYC.

I am getting ready to brace myself for a wild next few months. But there is lots of fun on the calendar, too.

And my Mumsy arrives today!! Holla!!! I am very excited for her visit and she is going to get to hear my band play at our gig next week.

Ok. Time to head off. I am blasting up to Westchester through Tuesday to do some pseudo-babysitting which will be more like hanging out with some of my most favorite people in the whole wide world. Friday night I get to go to an epic high school lacrosse game and Saturday night is the Junior Prom! I will probably cry watching Mr. E looking all grown up.


Ok. I'm outtie.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009



Miz Millah heard a man on the street yesterday refer to getting cash out as getting,


It made my day, I am still totally into it, and I believe I will be bringing the term into my life. From this day forward, I will now being going by the name Portia and I will call all men Bassanio, Antonio, or any other names that end with "nio."

That is all.

Monday, May 11, 2009


I spent my Mother's Day with four of my favorite people in the world and we drove all over and did all sorts of fun things.

Storm King Art Center is a sculpture garden and it was fabulous. We had a lovely time walking around the grounds and were even treated to an excerpt of The Little Mermaid by our very own 'sayHeyHey.

We also managed to stop off at the Dia:Beacon, but only for a beverage, bathroom break, and

roll down the hill.

We are going to save that one for a day when it is really hot because apparently they have killer air conditioning. Plus,

we were really tired from our hike.

We finished off the night with a giant, freaking delicious Italian meal at LaManda's in White Plains. I don't know how we managed to get ourselves out of the booth and back into the car, but we did it. And I slept so hard last night I didn't even know what was going on. Because I was asleep. And I was sleeping sooooo hard.

Sunday, May 10, 2009



I cannot even begin to write about how incredible my mother is and how much I love her.

Thank you for always taking care of me, for always knowing when to hold on to me and when to let me go.

And to all the Moms out there, I love you guys, too. You are all superheroes.

Especially my Mom.

I love you, Mom, and can't wait to see you in a matter of days.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


"It was a 21-day fast that fell nine days short. But in the final hours, Mia Farrow knew, "I couldn't do it. I just got weaker and weaker," the 64-year-old actress and humanitarian tells PEOPLE of Friday's end to her hunger strike to draw attention to Darfur."



Friday, May 8, 2009


And I totally forgot about this. I still remember laughing with my Mom at this when it aired on TV. Cracks me up every time.


Swendolynn works in advertising and forwarded this commercial. I wish more ads were like this one...twisted, weird, but funny. Maybe I'll go into advertising.


I'm feeling the need for a little escape. This week has been a bit wonkadoo and I need a break, I need to decompress.

Thankfully, I will be taking off on Sunday for a daycation with some uber cool cats and next week I am off to Westchester again for a real break at the pool and the lake. I just need to remind myself to


But in the midst of anxiety and ickiness, it is always important to, as my little cousin says, "look on the bright side." In lieu of discussing everything that was frustrating about this week, I am going to make myself feel better by writing a brief list of the good things that happened or are on the horizon:

I found a free (!) desk on my street the other day, I got it all fixed up yesterday, and I am loving it. It has made my life much more organized and manageable.

It stopped raining, so I can go running when I'm done with this post.

I am having a sleepover tonight with my super friend Wrenndolyn and we might watch one of my most favorite movies of all time: Harold and Maude.

My dearest darling Josebee, who is living in London, sent me a present in the mail because he is the turboest of turbo friends. I was so excited to receive it.

I got to see Miz Millah yesterday, and even though it was only for a few seconds, it was great to see her face.

I had splendid drinks on my fire escape last night with Swendolynn and Larkita.

I think Swendolynn and Larkita are splendid, too.

In a few hours, I will get to take a walk with D-Mart, one of my old buds. He's also splendid.

My Mumsy is coming into town in less than a week, and I am really looking forward to seeing her.

My bandmate brought his clarinet to practice Wednesday night and sounded like a dream when he played it.

I have had free wireless for weeks now.

My friends were beyond lovely to me when something boo hiss happened last weekend. I seriously have the best friends in the world.

There are so many good things going on all the time. I'm such a whining loser.


Thursday, May 7, 2009



NEW YORK -- A cow has escaped from a New York City slaughterhouse and may have a new lease on life.

Police say the black heifer bolted Wednesday afternoon from Musa Hala Inc., which butchers animals according to religious restrictions.

It wandered in Queens for nearly a mile before police captured it an hour later and took it to an Animal Care and Control center, where it was nicknamed Molly.

Officials there are looking into whether Molly can be placed at a farm sanctuary or must be returned for slaughter. It depends on whether anyone claims her.

In 2002, an Ohio cow jumped a 6-foot fence to escape from a Cincinnati meatpacking plant and ran free in a park for 10 days. She was nicknamed Cinci Freedom.


New York Animal Care & Control call operator Sharema Govan tells HuffPost Green that Molly the cow has found a new home at a farm. When asked if Molly would be slaughtered, Govan replied, "Absolutely not!"

She directed us to someone else for more details and we're waiting on a return call now.


Yesterday evening I received an email from my sister titled, "OMG" saying the following:

"I am walking on 5th and just passed Bristol, the baby in a baby carrier

and Todd Palin.

For reals."

I immediately emailed her back and asked if she gave them the finger guns, but apparently not.

We all know how into Bristol I am.

This is why she was here...

"Bristol Palin hit the campaign trail in New York City Wednesday. But this time she didn't do it for her mother's political ambitions. Eighteen-year old Bristol is an ambassador for teen abstinence, despite the recent birth of her son Tripp in December. Tripp's father, Levi, has continued a war of words with the Palins. This morning he went on CBS The Early Show to comment on Bristol's campaign. Levi called it "unrealistic."

- Huffington Post

"Hey, Brist! If I squish my face and close my eyes like this does it make me look like a fishy?!? Tee hee hee hee."

Why was Hayden Pat-My-Derriere there? To talk about how she has not been abstinent and hasn't gotten pregnant? I'm tres confused. We all know she and Old Man Milo were Heroes in the cradle robbing bedroom for a freaking eon:

Save the whales, Haydie.

The whole thing is weird.

Anyhoo. I saw Natasha Lyonne riding her bike in my hood the other day wearing all black, smoking a cigarette and looking like she hadn't showered in about a week. Even though she is pretty much a mess, I still love her because I thought she was so stellar in

Slums Of Beverly Hills

I found a desk on the street in front of my apartment yesterday (it is metal, so it can't have bed bugs) and today my project is fixing it up. I'm thrilled, even though the weather is still freaknasty.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009


You are too cute.

Awhile back I posted this story about everyone's favorite Mr. Moneybags (Warren Buffett). This is just further evidence supporting how adorable he is. Thanks to my Mum for sending me this article...

Girls find music from Buffett and his ukuleles

OMAHA, Nebraska (Reuters) – When he's not attending to the businesses that helped him amass a $40 billion fortune, Warren Buffett maintains a decades-long love for the ukulele, and he wants to keep the music playing.

To help this along, the world's second-richest person has given ukuleles and a lesson on the instrument to girls at the North Omaha branch of Girls Inc.

Raelynn McCreary is one of the girls. The 10-year-old calls what Buffett did "just plain kindness. If you're a really busy person and you take time out of your schedule to go teach someone else how to do something, then that is what everyone should do."

Girls Inc's goal is to help girls become "strong, smart and bold," bolstering their confidence and self-sufficiency. The group works with girls ages 5 to 18, mainly from lower-income families. Most live with one parent or in foster care.

Buffett's daughter Susie is on the group's national board. Her dad handed out the instruments a little over a month ago, and several girls are now taking weekly lessons.

"He's a rich man, and he doesn't show it," says Natalia Partridge, also 10. "I thought he was going to be snobby and kind of mean, but he turned out to be really nice."

The gift came about in an unusual way. Two artists held a December concert in Brooklyn, New York, performing songs by The Beatles on the ukulele.

They took donations, billing the event, tongue-in-cheek, as a benefit for Buffett.

Roberta Wilhelm, executive director of Girls Inc of Omaha, said the haul was $344.23. That included lots of loose change, and a British 5-pound note.

Buffett, of course, did not need the money. But he took it, and trekked to Dietze Music in western Omaha to find the soprano ukuleles he wanted. There are larger sizes -- concert, tenor and baritone -- but these were for children.

After the store clerk quoted a price, Buffett demanded a discount because he was buying in bulk. "We shot him a deal," said Dan Sullivan, a manager at Dietze Music. "It was for a good cause."

In the end, Buffett walked out with 17 Hilo ukuleles, in the color Transparent Red.


Buffett spent about an hour with 13 girls at the group's building, trying to teach them the songs "Red River Valley" and "Happy Birthday." It had to be pointed out to some of the girls who Buffett was.

"After the fact, one girl came to the office and asked, 'Our ukulele teacher is the second-richest man in the world?'" Wilhelm recalled. "And I said that's true. And she said, 'The first-richest doesn't play?'"

In fact, the first richest, Bill Gates, does play. Buffett taught him.

At the red brick Girls Inc building in North Omaha, about 170 girls spend a few hours after school each weekday on such areas as reproductive health, careers, art, culture, fitness and nutrition. They also do homework.

And now, each Thursday, University of Nebraska at Omaha music student Mark Gutierrez shows up to teach ukulele. Lessons are in the Sewing Room, which has balls of yarn along one wall and oversized ukulele chords pasted to another.

"It's a good opportunity for me to go into something new," says 11-year-old Deja Gregory, who also plays the violin.

Susie Buffett's Sherwood Foundation is a major donor to Girls Inc, and her dad's ties have also paid off. In 2006, Buffett auctioned his car for $73,200. Two years later, a painting of him was sold for $100,000.

Denai Fraction, a 15-year-old learning the ukulele and who also plays clarinet, met Buffett in October at an annual fund-raiser where Hillary Clinton, then a U.S. senator and now Secretary of State, spoke.

"It shows a lot about his personality and his character and his morals," she says, referring to the gift. "He doesn't just think about the money."

Buffett plans to stop by to check the girls' progress in learning the ukulele. The girls will welcome him.

"It's kind of fun," says Cheyenne Wulff, who is 9. "You get to meet somebody that's almost famous."

(Editing by Leslie Gevirtz and Philip Barbara)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Happy Birthday, my dearest darling. We all luv 2 luv U and are a million x's more in 2 U than U will eva know.


This weekend wore me out, kids. And the weather is so not helping. It is rainy, chilly, and grey. So that means I want to do what, my friends? Nap, drink tea, eat chocolate, and nap.

But life is not too shabby...I'm working at my friend's, drinking tea, listening to music, and blogging. Could be a helluva lot worse. And I had some chocolate right when I got home from the gym.

THRILL: Swendolyn has officially moved to New York.
CHILL: Saw Matthew Broderick on the street and he is not looking too fresh. I hate to say it, but he has manboobs. I'm sorry. He does. There is no way around this: he has, what kids on the street call:


Ferris Bueller officially has bigger boobs than me. But, I guess that isn't too hard to do.

Oh, Ferris. What happened to you?

Also, Justin Timberlake really looked like a tool at last night's Costume Institute Gala, which was co-chaired by his hermy girlfriend J.Biel.

END WITH A THRILL: Saw a teenage girl today walking around with an umbrella that just said "Rihanna" on it. I just about died. If you don't get this, Rihanna's song "Umbrella" was, like, the biggest pop hit of the past 2 years (it came out in 2007) and the chorus was "You can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella."

That is some genius marketing.
Here's the link to the music video featuring my lover, Jay-Z.

Monday, May 4, 2009


A jeweler here in the Hattan of LinkMans is a huge Golden Girls fan and has done a line of necklaces to honor them. I can't decide which one I would want.

She even painted their portrait.

Imagine having that hanging above your fireplace.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


We played our first show on Saturday night and I have to tell ya, I have never ever had so much fun. I am totally hooked and am ready to go on tour. Any takers?

All of your anti-rain prayers worked some serious magic, because the weather was perfect, the view was incredible, and the crowd was deliriously sweet. And, we booked another gig the next morning through someone who saw us play Saturday night! I couldn't believe it!

I hope you enjoy the lovely photos taken by my absolutely wonderful roomie...

It is important to stay hydrated when singing.

And, hydrating is way more enjoyable when it is in a fancy flask given to you by your roomie and friend right before you go onstage. How great is that?

I couldn't have asked for a more perfect place for our first concert. I am so thankful to all of my friends who showed up to support us and I am most definitely one lucky lady to have such excellent people as my friends.

Thanks, kiddos. I love each and every one of you.


"Why did Jesus hate my hair?!?!?!????"

- An exasperated guy to his boyfriend
(on my way to the gym when it was humid and his hair was totally frizzing all over the place)

Saturday, May 2, 2009


No, not that show you sillies.

My band's first big performance is tonight on a roof and it has been raining off and on since yesterday. The chances of rain for tonight are going down by the minute, so we are praying that we have precipitation-free skies for our big debut.

Please think, "no rain" for me.


Friday, May 1, 2009


Humidity, you make me want to cry.
I'd rather stick a sharp object in my eye than live in a world
where I feel like I'm swimming in a soup of death
every time
And it's only going to get worse.



QUESTION: If you could live in another decade, which one would it be?
ASKER: SarahSouth

I find this question to be most excellent, so major kudos to you, SarahSouth, for not only being the provider of basically all of my questions, but for coming up with good ones.

I am not going to opt for the traditional idea of "decade" here as in from a zero to a zero (1920-1930 or whatevs). I am going to have to go, hands down, with...drum roll please:


for several reasons, but I will name just a few:


My all time favorite car, which graces the top of my blog, is the 1957 Chevy Bel Air. I even had a dream the night before my 16th Birthday that I got one as a present. Alas, I was devasted when I woke up and there was not one parked in my driveway, but I got over it. Some day I will own one of those suckers and drive around, spinning that giant steering wheel, in some fabulous dress wearing red lipstick (obviously) and I will wave at everyone. Even if they don't look at me, I will wave at them, because I will be so freaking happy in that car. But, if I lived during that time it would be a lot easier to find one and others like it. The automobiles back then were b to the anging.


I just love them. I don't really know what else to say, except that I just love the clothes.


My Fair Lady, Long Day's Journey Into Night, Auntie Mame, Bells Are Ringing, South Pacific, The Music Man, The Pajama Game*, Annie Get Your Gun, Oklahoma!, Gypsy, Guys and Dolls*, The Sound of Music, Bye Bye Birdie*, West Side Story, The King and I, Hello Dolly*...just to name a few. Need I say more?

And, I would like to mention that the starred productions above were also performed by some really stellar casts at Abbott Middle School. The Sister even danced on a table in Hello, Dolly! Scandalous, I know.


I would have thrived at summer camp, particularly during this time. I mean, I love being outside, I love lakes, I love carbs, I love s'mores, I love singing songs, I love campfires. Bring it.


I am a music whore, but nothing gets me more than Motown and the music that came out during this time frame. Let's just look at a few of them:

Thelonius! Or, as his wife called his music, "Melodious Thunk." Love that.

Stevie! Sam!

Carole! The greatest female songwriter of all time!

The sh*t was going deeeownnnnnn during this time period and I would KILL to have been there while it was all happening. I would go BANANAS, I tell you, I WOULD GO OUT OF MY MIND. I can't even begin to explain how much I love the music from this era. I have listened to this stuff since before I even really knew what it was and I am convinced I was alive during this time period in my past life (quick turn-around, I know, I don't like waiting). Everything was new and people were blowing minds across all genres of music. Ooooh, I get all excited just writing about it. I probably would have been one of those girls who passed out at a concert. I mean, I lost my voice when I saw Paul McCartney live in Budapest, Hungary because I screamed so loud.

Then again, I lost my voice at the New Kids On The Block Concert, but hey - that was off the chain, too. Need I remind you of that?

I can't even imagine what I'd be like at a live performance of this.

When I was 7 years old, I used to put my PlaySkool tape player under my pillow as I was supposed to be going to sleep and listen to this song on repeat.

And, the best part about picking this decade is that I would not die in 1967. No. You see, I would be in my late teens or early 20's so I would be able to be young and hip throughout the upcoming years. I would live through the Summer of Love, burn my bra, ra ra ra. It would be so smashing and turbo radical.


Oh, hi Kev! You so just snuck up on me and took me by surprise with your uber cute face that still makes me go squee! You heard me say "The Wonder Years," so you came running, which is so sweet of you. I still totes love you, you are my perma-steady and always will be, but I'm not talking about your show right now. Sorry, but I'll see you in 5th period gym with Coach Cutlip.

I digress.

I know I have a totally jaded perspective on this time period because I wasn't there, blah blah blahahhahahahahaa. I get it. But in my own perfect little world of this decade in which I would chose to live, things were simpler. Boys pinned their girlfriends, people knew how to dance without looking like they were about to make a baby on the floor, folks weren't afraid of Peanut Butter and Jelly because peanut allergies weren't crazy all over the place, you knew your butcher, and you could ride your bike down the street to your best friend's without being worried you were going to catch the Swine Flu.

And so my friends, that is my answer. One question down, three billion to go.