JAY-Z AND BEYONCE - BIGGEST MYSTERY OF 2008
I love me some Jay-Z. The guy just reeks of cool and he is always turbo chill unless he is pumpin it up onstage. So why in the hell did he go and marry Beyonce??? Beyonce. Seriously??? A few reasons why I don't like the B:
1. Beyonce has really scary armpits. Trust me. And they are everywhere.
2. Beyonce’s mom designs all her pageant-reject dresses and she ends up looking like a bad tranny. Her outfits just don’t ever work for me and it pains me to see my boy Jay with her
3. Beyonce is not articulate
4. Beyonce rubs me the wrong way so Jay shouldn’t be with her.
P.S. If Beyonce looked like this all the time
BRITNEY SPEARS – GIVER OF THE YEAR
What can I say about the Queen of Disaster? She has given us so much over the course of her life. She has given us K-Fed (Papa-Zao!), her 2 boys Tater Tot and Nugget, a public melt down, the noun “Britney” as in “wear some undies with your skirt because I don’t want you to flash your Britney at me when you’re getting into the car,"and she has contributed to the world of film with her documentary detailing her “come back,” The girl just doesn’t stop giving. What a trooper.
LILO THE LEZ – GENDER ACTIVIST OF THE YEAR
Lilo has really outdone herself this year with Romancing the SamRon. I don’t know if I totally believe her lesbianess, but whatever. She has made some dramatic improvements, even though she is still obviously a cracktard. She learned from Britney to cover up her, well, Britney, which was a huge step for her and we haven't had a LoHo Peep Show in quite some time. We haven’t seen her passed out in the front of a car with blow all over her face, although she has been surrounding herself with the booze and the bumps since getting out of rehab. Two points for LoHo. Looking forward to marking her progress in '09.
NKOTB – BIGGEST COME BACK EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER WENT AWAY
I don’t really have to say much about this except that NKOTB rocked the world this year with such force it could have given you 2 black eyes and an orgasm all at once.
This has been around for awhile, but some folks didn’t know about it and I have used it more this year than ever before. It is a website that will find you walking/public transportation/driving directions for several major cities in the US. It is brilliant. Check it out.
I never liked instant hand sanitizer because the idea of rubbing alcohol on my hands and then putting my hands near my mouth or whatever always grossed me out. I found this stuff in Whole Foods. It is an all natural hand sanitizer and it works. You can buy their products at most health food stores. Love them.
NOAH AND THE WHALE
These kids are just wonderful and get my number one slot for 2008. I fell in love with them long before I saw them in concert, waited anxiously for their very first album to come out and it did not disappoint. They manage to make beautiful sounds and write lyrics that could tip the scales in the cliché direction, but somehow they end up being poignant. It was by far my most favorite live performance of the year. And they are pretty much all completely adorable, which doesn’t hurt. Oh, and the lead guy plays the ukulele. Holla!
Check out their website here.
DIDDY - KING OF IT ALL
We couldn't have won the election without him. And we couldn't have had as good of a 2008 without him.
Thank God for his life, because he is one entertaining spectacle.
A QUOTE I JUST OVERHEARD IN THE BAR WHERE I AM WRITING
Girl: "I miss Mike. I mean, I wish we could still hang out but it's like, I have a restraining order against you, man."
Have a very happy and safe New Year's. I'll see y'all in 2009!!!