I started including a little sauna time after my work-outs because it's winter, it's freezing, and I thought it might make me feel a little bit like I'm at a spa (for the 6 minutes I can take the heat).
However, my imaginary spa experience is often crushed and I snap back to the reality that I am not relaxing in the Swiss Alps but instead am in the middle of a small wooden box with semi-nudie strangers at a Crunch Gym in Brooklyn. And, strangers do strange things.
1. RECLINING WHILE FULLY CLOTHED
This is slightly related to my issue with people who work out in jeans (oh the HORROR). Why would you go into a sauna with your clothes on?! You're going to get all sweaty in there, walk out wearing damp clothes, your underwears are going to be sticking to your butt, you will look shiny, and then you will get cold.
2. LISTENING TO YOUR I-POD
Don't get me wrong - I am all about people rocking out to their own jamz - but I don't always want to hear it. Even if you are playing one of my all time personal faves (Wonderwall - Oasis) which was on repeat on my discman during a family trip to Yosemite circa 199something, I don't want to hear it blaring in the sauna nor do I want to hear you vocalizing along with Liam. That chorus is damn, damn catchy - I know - but, for the love of Liza, sauna time is not karaoke time (although the rooms involved in both activities are often small and hot).
Also - please avoid any heavy breathing or yoga-like moans of relaxation and relief. You can feel it on the inside, but please just keep it there.
P.S. Did you know Oasis was originally called "The Rain?" How about you are crowned the captain of the lame train if you want to have a band with that name. Kudos to whoever changed it.
3. BATHING AND SPRAYING
There is this really tall skinny gal who is always at the gym at the same time as me, no matter when I go (she's very into her spin class, her shorty spandex shorts with too many holes, and the bandanna she wears on her head which she obsessively reties). A few nights ago when I was saunaing, she traipsed in sopping wet, flung herself onto the area next to me and whipped out her toiletries kit...? She then proceeded to spritz herself with scented body mist and start shaving her legs.
All of those things are wrong. You're supposed to shower AFTER you get hot and sweaty in the sauna. You're supposed to shave your legs IN said shower. And you should NEVER, under any circumstances, apply scented body mist. Just typing the words "body mist" is creating a burning reaction in my nose and I may vom a little bit. I've yet to encounter one that smells like anything other than an explosion of every single citrus fruit that has ever existed mixed with cinnamon potpourri and middle school girl.
Those things are olfactory napalm.
Okay. That is all for now. Whew.