UM...WHAT WAS THAT.

The Oscars? Is that what that was?

I have NO idea what was going on last night and am even more shocked to read today that the ratings were up from last year. Fo realz? Is that because it was like driving by an accident where you don't want to look but you can't look away?

WHAT WAS GOING ON OVER THERE?

Poor Hugh. It was like they shot him out of a canon that had been packed with crack, musical soundtracks, spray tanner, and more crack. I just didn't get it. And Anne Hathaway makes me throw up in my mouth, but that is another story. I don't have time to go there today. Forgive my lack of photos, I am seriously blogging on the fly right now.

Things that were good (to make my Mom happy):

*BEN STILLER*

Bless you and your hilarious self for actually making me laugh during the ceremony at something funny. Your Joaquin imitation was brilliance.

*TINA FEY & STEVE MARTIN*

Teenie Teense, not only did you look like a total fox, because you are, but you were also hilarious with our home boy, Stevie. Why didn't you two host the show? Why, I ask you!?

*THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. ROBOTO*

I have no idea who you are, but I think your speech was my favorite

*QUEEN LATIFAH*

Your song was lovely, you are really classy, my mom loves you, I loved you, too, last night. I always find you ridiculously pleasant in a non-annoying way. Way to be, Queenie.

*MAN ON WIRE*

All y'all were great and I loved your speeches. Magic trick? Loved it.

*MILK*

I loved the screenplay acceptance speech and I loved Sean Penn because he was just Sean Penn. I have serious adoration for him and his wife. As I said last night, "I love their volatility." I just do. And he is right...people will look back with shame in their eyes. Wake up, and smell the equality, world.

Other Things (Mom, I am going to get real neg and nasty again here, so stop reading if you can't take the heat):

* THE CIRCLE OF GOOD FEELINGS*

What was UP with the five actors giving warm fuzzy speeches to the nominees? It was like an AA meeting or something. I was expecting Stuart Smalley to get up there to do some affirmations or for there to be some sort of group hug and a big round of Kumbya. It was just crapwhacked.

*UM, HEATH?*

Why was he left out of the memorial video? I thought that was weird.

*REESE!*

What was up with you? You looked like you had 2 black eyes and, as my friend PMoney perfectly observed, your dress straps, "looked like seat belts." My sister even applauded when they announced your name, you are usually such a class act, and then you came out looking like that. Major sadface over here.

*JESSICA BIEL*

I don't even know why I am wasting my time talking about you on my blog. Nevermind. I actually feel kind of bad for you. You're on the lametrain to nowhere.

*BEYONCE*
You were lip syncing, your dress had a giant, red, sequined hangy thing straight down your crotch which looked turbo awkward, and, as always, your armpits totally freaked me out. Blech.

*THE WHOLE MUSICAL NUMBER*
Ahhhh!!! Why???? This could have been so great! Hugh was saying the musical was finally back, but after that sh*t storm on the stage, it has gone back into the gutter. And Zac Efron and V-Hudge? And the Mamma Mia homies? Why?!?! Why?!?!! Why?!?!?!

I'm crying.

That is about as much as I can manage right now. I was, and still am, flabbergasted. What a way to end the weekend. At least my friend's Bollywood dance moves last night were great.

Jai Ho, y'all. Jai Ho.